You won't be coming back and I didn't get to say goodbye...I really wish I got to say goodbye

Two years? That's crazy.
A few days. Sometimes eternity.
Mixed Emotions. Confusion.
Anger? Not really.
Sadness. But I try to hide it.
Tears I've held back. They flow like waterfalls.
Empty hole. A state of disbelief.
Endless waiting. A hopeless dream.



Two long years. Unbelievable. Sometime's it seems like it happened yesterday, other time's it seems like it happened ages ago. My emotions change constantly. Hatrid, love, depressed, greatful, happy, cynical, optomistic, pesimistic. But mainly I am confused. It always brings me back to the same question many people ask themselves, 'Why do bad things happen to good people?' At times I am angry. Most of the time actually that is what I show. A strong anger towards god, towards doctors, towards people who still have fathers in their lives. But I'm not really angry. In the harsh reality, I am just sad, but unwilling to admit it. I try to hide the fact that I can be anything but strong. Chrissy and I actually had a long talk about how when I broke down, and snapped, she didn't know what to do because if I wasn't able to be strong, then she knew she couldn't be, and she told me she didn't know what to do, and thought everything was crashing down. That really touched me. To see that she looked to me for strength. Now, when I needed to hear that the most I have held it together, and I'm trying to forget about me, and I'm trying to concentrate more on others. Specifically my sisters. And being the strong one. I remember when people told me to think about myself, how I feel, well that turned out to be disasterous, now didn't it. The tears that I've held back in my attempts to stay strong all came out. Now that I cried, Chrissy said she felt liek she could too, that it was ok to cry. I never understood how much she looked to me. If only I saw that sooner, I could have tried that much harder to not fuck up. But I still have that empty hole, and no matter who comes in and out of our lives with my mom, it will always be the place that I leave for my dad, and my dad only...and maybe as I let my mind wander further into my past, and to actually dig up the memories I have tried so hard to cover that it won't be so empty anymore. I still can't believe he's gone though. I still hope that one day he'll walk through the door. I know it's foolish for me to think like that. But that is me, and my endless waiting, for my hopeless dream. Two years. I can't believe I made it this far. I love you. Rest in peace dad. never forget.