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Khart

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I want to feel the wind rushing past my face as i close my eyes and just let go [Nov. 13th, 2007|07:36 pm]
[Current Mood |stressedstressed]
[Current Music |cant tell me nothin]

Done. That's what I am. I'm done. I am incapable of handling any thing else. Tell me my shoe is ugly I will cry. I've become sensative, and emotional. My heart races yet I'm going 2 miles an hour. The world seems to rush by as I feel weighted down by everything I need to do. Make up work up the wazoo. Doctors appointments to no end. Forcing smiles and trying desperately to love life so that Jen will love life also. It's all a bit much to be happening at once. My own problems are hard enough. It's extremely difficult to balance mine, and Jen's, and her familis. Not that I don't readily do so. I would do anythign for anyone in that family. But there just comes a point where I crack. Where I can't do anymore. And I want to do more. I really do. If I could I would devote my life to making Jen better. It's just not possible. I have school. I wish I didn't. But the harsh reality is that I do, and that its junior year. And it is the most imprtant year. I need this year to get to that college far far away. At this rate, I'm looking at community college. And if it meant I would have more time for Jen than thats fine with me. I care about her more than I care about myself. To me I exist purely for her right now. They took away my sports. That's what I lived for. I lived to play, to be competitive. Now, I'm lucky if I can feel my arm for a whole hour at a time without being in pain. What kind of life is that? Better than some I suppose. But it's nothing I had imagined. I wanted to do great things. Create milestones. And now. Now I want to curl up in a ball with a bottle of oxy's and make the pain go away. I can't even write without my hand and fingers and arm going completely numb. My left hand is legible I suppose, but takes hours longer to be legible. I type mostly with one hand. It's annoying to not have use of a pinky. It's a sick joke to have something and not be able to use it. So frustrating. So aklbgkasjbgkajsks. What else can I do with my life? I've had to cut work hours because I can't do everything anymore. Things are heavy. I can't do it. it's so weird. I hate it.

I'm trying to consume myself with other things. As if surrounding myself in activities will make it all go away. I thought an anti drug thing would keep me away from the temtation. But its still there. Atleast now I have the support of an advisor to be like, no khart, we're here for you. And I guess maybe I'm doing this group because it gave me a chance to use my voice. So many things happened when I was younger whre my voice didnt matter. No meant nothing. These people are telling me that my voice is what they want to hear. It's invigorating in a way.

I need a release. But al my releases up to now have been harmful. I can't do that now. Not for Jen. So what do I do now? I don't know. I need to just let go. Jump off a building. Skydive. Just something to feel the rush of letting go and relying on someone else. I don't know how to do that. I don't. ugg. I don't know what to do. I just dont know. I hate being stuck in a place. I'm always stuck in one place or another. I hate being stuck.
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(no subject) [Oct. 19th, 2007|09:52 pm]
the world around me is falling apart. my world. im a mess. i dont know what to do anymore. help.
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Hmmm [Oct. 11th, 2007|08:44 pm]
[Current Mood |busy]
[Current Music |crank dat]

Life can be extremely complicated. Boys are confusing. Girls are bitchy. Great friends come back into your life and it's amazing. Germans make things so much better. But then there are those tings that keep you from living out these amazing things to the fullest. And granted some are less amazing. Like guys. That are confusing are not fun, niether are bitchy girls. But most everything else is really great right now. Like I really can't complain about my own life. So what, my shoulder is hanging lower than my boobs, it happens. I could care less what personal issues I have. I mean, I'm dealing with them, in my own secrative way I have been dealing with a lot of things. In a healthy manner surprisingly, but sometimes not so much. I guess the only thing I really want for myself is more sleep. I have had a lack of sleep lately. That is disapointing. But, I stay up with good reason.

I dunno. I guess I just have other things on my mind. Wishing people would figure things out for a change. I've never felt more frustrated right now. Well, I could compare it to 3 years ago. But even still, it wasn't as ongoing as this. Oh boy. I just wish she would feel better. And not give up. Not give up is key. I know it is extremely difficult and frustrating but there is hope. Me of all people saying there is hope, oof. You can see I'm desperate, I'm wishing, and hoping and praying. And I took prayer as a joke. A waste of time. But I will try anything. Enough of this.

Great friendships coming back. Oh my. Time passes and people go their seperate ways. They find different groups they fit into, they lose touch in a sense even if not totally. But where do I fit in now? I don't hang out with the "gangsta's" I am no longer a jock i am not a drugie per say anymore I'm not emo I'm not a nerd I'm not a drama geek I'm not a bandgeek. So where does that put me? I float aimlessly. But then there is always the one fall back friend. And I realized once I started hanging out with her again that I felt stupid for parting ways. So many great memories. So many awesome times. Why would I ever catagorize her as a fall back? That is plain bitchy. God, she's been through a lot since kindergarden with me. I shut her out, only let certain things out to her. Stupid. And now the Germans are here too, so it's like crazy fun. I just hope the whole hanging out everyday doesnt dissapear when they leave. I love cookie dough and random food adventures and ice cream in the rain and just silly stuff.

Bah. Love it. hmmm.
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i dont get it [Oct. 5th, 2007|05:27 pm]
Why, why would he come back? What possible reason could he have for coming back? Like I dont get it. Four years. I haven't seen him in four years. I don't want to see him. I don't care why he's here. If he's changed, what he wants. I just want him to leave. Like, why? I don't get it.

Of all the people to appear in my life again he is probably the person I least want to see again. I would be content never even knowing he still existed. He's a scumbag. And I hate him. And I wish he were dead. He's good for nothing. He's mean, he hurt me. I hate him. What does he want with me now anyways? He's 21. What the hell does he want with me now anyways? I never wanted anything to do with him in the first place. Bah. I hate him.  I fucking hate him. And I hate drew. And everyone associated with him. alkgjbaskjbgjksbgjksbg.

I need to get away.
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(no subject) [Sep. 30th, 2007|03:05 pm]
[Current Music |good life-kanye]

I feel guilty because I'm happy that I care about life again, but it's at the expense of someone else's pain. Like, seeing someone I really care about hurting really got me to actually care about her, and my life,and about my family. And that's a good thing. But her hurting, is not a good thing. So I feel guilty. Maybe I shouldnt, because I'm not causing the pain, but I dunno. Life is confusing.

I wish I had the strength, and the energy, and the power, to do more than I am able to do.
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(no subject) [Sep. 24th, 2007|03:02 pm]
[Current Mood |stressedstressed]
[Current Music |roxann]

i havent slept in days. im constantly worn out. i spent my entire weekend from friday halfway thru last block thru sunday night with my friend in the hospital. the nurses know me as khart. everyone on the 18th floor loves me. and today. they wont let me see my friend. things have changed. it was, not today khart, shes too sick. we fucking NAPPED for 3 hours the other day. im not exactly making her rowdy. we watch movies and lie in her bed. how bad is that??? i dont get it. i've seen her at her worst. why cant i be with her now? i jsut want to be there. its not fair. i just want the be there.....
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Bye Bye sweet serenity and talking trees... [Sep. 16th, 2007|08:21 pm]
[Current Music |stronger]

I'm constantly hiding behind something I don't want to be. I don't want to be a drug addict. I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to get drunk just to have something to do. I don't want to hook up with guys I don't like because I'm drunk and don't care. I don't want to be throwing my life away because I don't know what to do. I want to not abuse perscriptions. I want to not have to worry about what I do because it will hurt. I don't want to base my whole life around poor, stupid decisions. That is why I'm no longer "the katherine you expect." So yes, I don't smoke anymore, and yes if I drink I won't be doing so excessively, and yes I'm no longer going to take pain pills because I rather be shakey and unable to concentrate then robbing my family and stores to pay for street oxy when my perscription runs out. So many people rely on me to watch their kids, and to be the responsible influence. And if I can do that for the time I am watching the kids, why can't I be that constantly? So yes everyone, I am now a member of a group whose sole purpose is to prevent substance abuse of any kind. And I don't care how many of these adults running the program know of my past because that's just it. It's my PAST, and will not reflect my future. Today, at the fair, while I worked the booth I talked to Kara. Told her pretty much my struggle with percocet. And she was very nderstanding and just wanted to know what it felt like, and now understood why i say things I do in meetings and why I was so reluctant to share things earlier. But I'm free now. I'm open. And it may seem weird but I don't care what you all think of me. Screw your opinions. 
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(no subject) [Sep. 5th, 2007|09:49 pm]
I'm going to hate this year. End of story. Oh yea... Wheeler hates my guts. Yay.

Right now I'm nervously anticipating tomorrow. I'm just waiting now. Everyone makes mistakes. Some bigger than others. This could be potentialy the biggest mistake of my life. How many times do i say, i wish i could go back? Too many. and reality is i cant go back. yet i keep screwing up. even when i know its wrong i fall into this pattern of self destruction. the old saying, bad habits die hard. that seems very true. i can only hope it isnt. but right now, things are looking bad.  if i could, i would go back and change everything from years back. even to be able to change last week. last week was dumb. just plain stupid. but no one knows how any of it started. i dont remember how it ended. heck, everyone parallels my behaviour to forcing pain on myself because of my dads death. thats all people think. i wish i had the guts to scream out that it rarely has anything to do with that. just a mere time coincidence. but then i wouldnt be able to hide behind my dad. and all my disguises would be squashed. i would be open. suseptible. i dont want that. i dont know what i want. i want this call to come and tell me everythings ok.  tell me i'm lucky. thats what i want.  god i hate myself right now.
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life stores easily in boxes [Aug. 22nd, 2007|04:02 pm]
[Current Mood |blankblank]
[Current Music |I don't love you-my chemical romance]

So I'm home. Well, I wouldn't exactly say that. I'm away. That's what I would say. I'm away from my home in Newburyport, and I am in Melrose. It is a harsh reality to be in this house lately, but here I am. Away. After spending the last two weeks at home in Newburyport I was forced to face the reality that although it is my home there, my house and living quarters for the next school year are in Melrose. But when I was with the Newburyport family I was given a great opportunity to bond with them like never before. I talked to Mickey, that was amazing. I've never really allowed myself to do that before. And like always, he opened up the house permanantly to me, and reluctantly I had to decline. I talked with Suzi, and although she talks from a mothers perspective, I was able to have a conversation where she did not make me feel less of a person because I am the child. It was an amazing feeling. And of course I played with Reid and the new baby Sorell. Reid and I will alwasy be very close, and it will always break my heart every time I have to leave because he gets so sad and he cries because he doesn't understand why I must go, because he told me I live with him, and I should share his parents, because it should be that way. He's cute. He knows I have a mom, and he knows my dad died. So he told me we could pretend his dad is my dad cause it would be cool. And Sorell, not able to talk but we have found a way to comunicate. I clucked my tounge at her because she is absolutely facsinated by the noise, and after a few days she figured it out, and she can do it too, which amazes me still. And everytime I would be in the room or playing with her she would stop and stare at me and cluck her tounge. I miss her, I miss Reid. I miss Mickey and Suzi. I miss the feeling of belonging, and importance and comfortness when I am there. But most of all I miss how comfortble I am with myself when I am there. Here, in Melrose I am so closed up to everyone. I work on being more open but I am untrusting here. I've been hurt so much here I just cant stand it.

So last night me and my mom fought, surprise surprise, except I thought I was pretty calm when I decided to cool off and go for a walk. I started to walk to the cemetary to be with my dad. She knew where I was headed and took the car and tried to head me off, told me I couldnt run to my dad everytime i had a problem. And she claimed that was disrespectful for me to stop arguing and walk away. I dont get that but whatever. So I am grounded. She took my car keys and told me I cant get them back till I control my temper. I'm trying really hard to do that because I need that car to drive up to Newburyport. I also had to clean my room and make it spotless. So I did that. And as I did that I looked around my room and realized how much crap I had in there that I held on to for nothing. So I just threw it all out. And it still looked weird. So I looked, and saw all the icons I had gotten as gifts, and crosses and stuff. Stuff I don't believe in just crowding my room, and I took them all down and packed them all away. In boxes under my bed. And I looked aruond, and saw what was left. Pictures of me and my dad, my dad's baseball glove, and those stupid livestrong bracelets. I wear my dads chain everyday. Not anymore. I packed it all away in a box, and stuffed it under my bed. All the pictures, and things he had given to me while he was sick, the last fathers day present I had given him. everything. packed everything in boxes and labled the sides, hide it all away, life stores easily in boxes.
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How time flies [Aug. 10th, 2007|04:53 pm]
[Current Mood |accomplished]
[Current Music |coffee shop-yung joc]

Sunday will be three years since my dad died. Three whole fucking years. Some days, it seems like it was yesterday, it's still so fresh in my mind. And others, it seems that so much has happened since it must be 20 years. But wow, three years. It has not gotten any easier, I can tell you that. And although I am told I will get used to it over time, I definitly still have my moments where I turn around and say hey dad! or I look out the front door and just want to wait for him to emerge from his car as it sits in the driveway. The car I drive now. In the glove compartment there is still some of his CD's and dare I say, tapes. And a napkin, that had a grocery list scribbled on it.  I don't knw why I keep these things, I'm just afraid I'll forget him I guess. I forget how his voice sounds. That scares me. I've been so caught up in my own troubles, troubles that I have caused myself because I don't want to deal with reality, and I can't even recall the sound of his voice. It makes me sad. We were so close, and when it came down to the end I was just so stubborn and refused to believe that anything bad could ever happen to him. Now look. I missed saying goodbye, I missed giving him one last hug, one last kiss. For what? A trip to the beach. One louzy day I could have been with him, an I went to the beach. I feel like I should never forgive myself for that no matter how many times someone tells me to move on. But, by not forgiving myself I am destroying myself. And although I miss my dad terribly I need to stop thinking of my past, what I had, how I lost it, and I need to concentrate on right now, the future, and who I will become. At this rate, I may not become anybody. I don't want that to happen. I'm allowing myself to just, BE. It was more, forced on me per say, by someone who I will probably never talk to again and that hurts, but if that's how it has to be, it will be. I was such an anry person before, and not to say I'm not now, but in the few days since my lat messed up, accidental medicine mixing neurotic craze, I've changed. Or atlesat I think so. I'm less irritable. That, I'm sure is apparent. So I guess I will jsut take it from here. Slowly. I blew a lot of opportunity to get to this point quicker because I was stuborn, and foolish, and selfish. I had my priorities mixed up big time. So maybe everyday wnt be partying and fun, but then again, it wasn't so fun to not remember how I got home, or why I woke up on the bathroom floor and wonder why no one in my family seemed to mention this, or do anything about it. And so its my turn to take action. If they wont do anything, I have to. So what if I cry. I'm still a tough kid. So yea, I'm going to be sad my dad isnt here, and yea I may cry, but I'm done worrying about who see's me being "unkhartlike' because I don't even know what khartlike is. All these things I say I am, they dont interest me per say anymore. So, this year, I hope to become someone different, someone better, and I hope not to back down on my word to change, because I'm tired of being hypocritical and lame. Ok, I'm done with my revelation. Peace out.
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